The States of the Union
by Kinky Axolotl
Summary: Even Japan, who he swore was just chugging Vietnamese rice liquor like a boss, was watching him curiously. "America-san….. Who was that?" An exploration of America's 50 pseudo-children and their ties to the rest of the world. Utter and complete crackiness abounds; you have been warned.
1. Peach Blossom

**Comment vas-tu?**

 **NOTICE: This story is just pure, unfiltered crack mostly written around 1 in the morning. As my access to Wi-Fi is horrendously unstable, I've been spending time writing stuff in advance, so don't worry about the update to I Brought You My Bullets. It's coming. Anyways, I somehow managed to find a spot where I could upload this, and you should expect an update on IBYMB in a few days.**

 **Please do enjoy and comment. I already have plans for the States, but suggestions and reviews are more than welcome. Seriously, that would be pretty awesome. Like, really really awesome. Gilbert Beilschmidt awesome.**

 **-kat**

* * *

The day was sunny and bright, with birds and flowers and lush grass as far as the eye could see. The breeze pleasantly ruffled through everyone's hair. Lovely blue skies were dotted with pale clouds. It was a day to be outside and alive, but that daydream was quickly cut short….by the World Conference.

 _Ugh_ , America thought. Normally, on a day like today, he'd be outside playing baseball and football, maybe frolicking around in the grass while drinking a Coca-Cola or eating a burger, but it seemed like the nations had other plans. Since they deemed that he was doing absolutely nothing when it came to working on renewable energy (which was _so_ untrue), they had decided they'd bring the meeting to him. So now, a historically renowned town hall somewhere in Delaware was crammed with a truckload of rowdy nation personifications who were trying to get something done, albeit kind of failing. Not a complete failure; just a tad, as Iggy would say.

In general, the topic of renewable energy was a sore spot for both Germany and Japan, especially when Estonia brought up nuclear energy as an option. America personally agreed with the idea; if the nations actually _tried_ to put cash into researching nuclear energy, they could make it so much safer. Also, no coal, which the others were constantly hounding him about. But Germany had angrily tossed his cuppa' joe on the floor (there goes the prized carpet) when France brought up the subject and raged about how even the _verdammt_ lights in the room were powered on thyroid cancer. Japan had looked mildly irritated with the entire process, even quasi-disagreeing with America's opinions at one point. After that, everyone had uneasily glanced at Ukraine and Belarus and their patchy rashes from Chernobyl. So, of course, the "conversation" quickly spiked into chaos afterwards, with Veneziano sobbing about ravioli and Russia hinting at a nuclear WWIII after only about 15 minutes.

Jeez. America just couldn't get a break, could he?

Eventually, France got frustrated with the constant bashing on his use of nuclear energy and decided to feed England the finest airport-convenience-store rum he could find. The Baltic Trio had started to slowly inch out of the room at the mere mention of Iggy's sexy waiter getup, and America was pretty sure Poland hadn't even bothered to show up. Like, really. He's totes serious, hon, because, like, he hasn't seen the dude in at least six months. Totes. Come to think of it, he was probably just skipping the meeting for kicks, which was probably wise of the European nation. Just look at that all-American weather! Look! America just wanted to leap out of the window and never return. Maybe he and Kentucky could go get some bourbon and KFC after. This was pretty decent chicken weather, America had to admit, though it would obviously never hold the place Micky D's did in his cholesterol-clogged heart.

Anyways, Poland and fried chicken aside, America woke up from his weird thoughts to see something even weirder. It was like a badly filmed strip club scene that was only in a movie to make the trailer look passable, with Iggy expertly table-dancing and Japan DJing as Veneziano and Romano did some weird brotherly dance routine. And on the table…...was that….wait…..

Holy _shit_. It was _Spanish wine_ , also known as the _poison that makes Spain kill moving things with his bare hands_. Where the hell did France get all this liquor? The last time all of the nations had partied under one roof was after the last World Conference, which had ended in the Nordics completely destroying the building. Needless to say, America now knew that a hammered Finland and Norway spelled a lot of gay overtones, sexual frustration, and wanton destruction. Dammit, whose idea was it to host the meeting in Delaware? He was America's first state and probably one of his favorites, and now Spain would probably go into an alcohol-fueled rage and make a permanent mark on the landscape. Obviously and unfortunately, Romano was too wimp to stop him (and in all honesty, so was America). Besides, he was busy with that drunk dance routine.

A moment of inflection made him cringe; how long had America zoned out? Chri- Jeez, he had missed a lot. KFC didn't take up that much space in his brain…..did it?

Apparently, it really did. In a flash, he noticed three things that he really should have noticed half an hour ago. One, Japan seemed to be incredibly wasted and was playing two Korean EDM songs over each other while he sucked face with Greece. Two, England was now wearing only a bowtie and argyle socks as he did some strange things to a plate; it looked like France was getting people to pay cash for blackmail material to use. And three, his oldest state stood in the doorway, eyes wide and mouth agape. He had a kindhearted look to him that would probably be more obvious if it wasn't for the current situation; Delaware looked even more mature than America at times.

"Kesesese~" cackled Prussia, who had somehow gotten into the "Nations ONLY" meeting. "Now that I have these embarrassing photographs of a world power doing indecent things to China's best porcelain, my collection is complete!" Somewhere in the background, you could hear a faint shriek as Russia dragged the old Asian nation away.

Poor, poor, Delaware. And this was just the beginning.

America gingerly picked his way through a throng of countries in an attempt to get to the state, trying to avoid Switzerland (who was desperately attempting to shield Liechtenstein's "innocence") and the damn Nordics. God, what was Denmark doing? Didn't he learn anything from Norway's drug-fueled rant on various topics which weren't exactly appropriate for the rating of this fanfiction? Hungary seemingly popped out of nowhere and snapped several shots of the two at compromising angles while vigorously texting Japan images. America was pretty sure the guy was too hammered to adequately understand anything, but it was still a nice gesture on Hungary's part. As Japan's Twitter bio read, "Yaoi is always welcome."

Finally, after what seemed like five minutes to travel a 30-foot distance, America reached the quivering state in the corner. He was in a flannel and light pants, with glasses perched on his nose and thick eyebrows above them. Just the sight of them made Arthur smile; he had obviously gotten them from England (who was still table-dancing with various inanimate objects). However, the expression on Delaware's face was enough to make him frown again, and the fact that Korea was trying to have a shouting match with Japan in the background by screaming "da- _ze~_ " over and over clearly wasn't doing much to ease his nerves.

"Hey, Delly, my man! What's up?"

Delaware visibly paled. "America, what is going on? Why are there strange people t-table dancing in one of my city halls?!"

"Uh, well, you know how we nations have World Conferences every so often?"

"Oh, Lord."  
"Well, they may or may not have tried to stage an intervention for me about my sucky taste in renewable energy, and they all came to your town hall. But everything's fine, Delly, the hero will save the day!" America grinned radiantly, while Delaware just facepalmed.

"I'd kill to be Pennsylvania right now."

The nation frowned. "Are you in Northern Delaware mode right now, young man?" The state had a very dual-sided personality; Northern Delaware was often irritated, worrying, and stating that he was Pennsylvania, while Southern Delaware (or "Slower Lower", as the state referred to himself) was a _very_ relaxed country hick who often showed up forty minutes late to mundane events. America didn't know why they weren't two separate entities like the Italy brothers, and (frankly) he was kind of glad it wasn't a thing. Delly was a sweet hassle he had raised and learned to love, but if there were two of him….. Well, America would take his chances with the drunk Nordics any day.

"Not Delaware, Pennsylvania…..and I'm only two years younger than you," the state muttered, but he let it slide. "If this was for a World Conference, then why is everyone destroying a historical building? Can you please relocate them to a different state?"

America sighed. "Ugh, Delly, I'm sorry, but I'm not sure they'll be leaving anytime soon. Look at the Italy brothers." The state blanched and averted his eyes. "Besides, it shouldn't be as bad as last time, when Iceland and Hong Kong almost had sex on the table just to spite Norway's paranoid and drunk ass."

"..."

Delaware sighed and turned to leave. "Well, I really hope it won't come down to that, America," he remarked, a twinge of annoyance in his voice. "Just make su-"

The state suddenly stopped midsentence and very, very, _very_ slowly turned around. America grinned. It looked like he was transitioning into Slower Lower; good! Maybe he'd forget all about the current nations-are-all-drunk-and-kind-of-depressed-because-of-their-tanking-economies situation in favor of tractor driving, and America wouldn't have to explain to Northern Delaware/"Pennsylvania" why his precious town hall was covered in expensive wine and faux fur. That would undoubtedly happen within the next ten minutes, which meant that America needed to get the oldest state out of there before he saw any incriminating evidence, possibly _right now_.

But of course, good ol' Delly had other plans.

"Pops!" he grinned, tugging off his glasses and cramming them in the pockets of his flannel. His voice was slow and comfortably drawn out. "You know what all you nations should do?"

America grinned again. Slower Lower was great. "What should we all do, Delly?"

"Hit the sands of Dewey Beach, you know? I have a pig farm by there…." The state just stared into the distance, a grin growing on his face. "Hog-callin' is _my_ callin'. Innit yours, too? Aw, hell, I dunno 'bout that pale guy with the lead pipe in the corner-" At the mention of Russia, America blanched unhealthily. "But I have an inkling some of them might like sand-crabbing like the rest of us Delawareans, you know?"

In the background, America could clearly hear France's obnoxious laugh, and he regretfully smiled at his state. "I'm not too sure that's an option right now, Delly, though I haven't been to Dewey Beach in forever. Dude, we've gotta go sometime, and maybe I can bring Iggy. When he isn't doing explicit things to the tablecloth…. Anyways, why'd you come here?"

Slower Lower shrugged. "I think Northern Delaware wanted to discuss something with you about…." He shrugged again. "Aw, hell, I don't remember. It didn't make a lick of sense, though. Somethin' about the states, international whatsit, you know? That kinda business. Something kinda boring, you know."

"That's okay," America grinned, "because I wasn't planning on getting bored anytime soon. Care to hang with us, Delly?" He decided to extend the invitation; by now, it seemed like the mess about to be made would require a hazmat-suit crew to clean it up. He and Delly might as well have some fun while it lasted. Northern Delaware/"Pennsylvania" would have to wait.

The state cracked his knuckles. "Naw, Pops, I gotta go get my tractor before someone tows it. But it was nice talkin' to you and seeing some of the nations. We should hang out by Dewey sometime. Anyways, see you 'round. Good luck with the nations, and tell Iggy hi for me!"

America grinned and waved. "Have a nice day, Slower Lower."

"You too, Pops."

As soon as the doors shut again, America turned towards his (mostly) friends, only to realize everything was dead silent as they all stared at him. Even Japan, who he _swore_ was just chugging Vietnamese rice liquor like a boss, was watching him curiously.

"America-san….. Who was that?"


	2. Mountain-Laurel

**Ca va?**

 **Thanks to Guest for leaving a lovely review and to everyone who followed and favorited (is that a word)! Here's Chapter Two for all of you. Sorry it's a little on the short side. I was mostly working on I Brought You My Bullets. (And reading doujinshi. But mostly writing.) Also, i** **f you happen to be an enormous piece of musical theater trash _and_ Hetalia trash like me, go and Google "17 Valjeans". Click the first link and skip the first 1.5 minutes of clapping. Fangasm in your pants a little.**

 **Enough of me. You should just go on and read the chapter. (Go check out the poll on my profile as well! I may or may not be planning a new fic.)**

 **-kat**

* * *

Needless to say, America was getting kind of confused. Any nation who had provinces or states would live with their personifications; so why was everyone watching him like that? Even Canada, who was besties with Minnesota, was shooting him a face.

America shrugged. "That was Delaware. Iggy, you remember Delaware, right? The one with DID and your eyebrows?"

"Lad, you finally let us see…." England shot France a quizzical look. "What do you mean by Delaware? The state?"

"Yeah, the state. Why are you guys acting so weird?"

Japan muttered something about finally reading the atmosphere, and the confusion mounted. America knew he also had a truckload of prefectures at his house, so it wasn't as if he didn't get the concept. In fact, most of the nations did. What exactly was going on?

Before his questions could get answered, the doors flung open once more, and America's second-oldest burst into the room with a troubled frown on his face.

Pennsylvania was tall, lanky, and serious-looking. America really hadn't rubbed off on him very much at all. He was formally dressed in a grey blazer, with glasses perched on his nose. The only thing that wasn't too serious was the floppy pageboy cap on his head, but even that didn't take away from his expression, clear worry in his eyes.

"America, did Delaware get the news to you?"

"...Slower Lower happened," the nation sheepishly muttered, awkwardly scratching his neck. "Anyways, Pennsy, what's going on?"

The state glanced at the (very confused) nations in the room, some in horrendously awkward positions, all seemingly sober despite the fiasco a few moments ago, and sighed deeply.

"Look, I have no idea why, but it seems like every memory of our presence in the minds of the nations has been erased. We found out after Arizona got really upset when Mexico didn't know who she was, and I had to ship her 50% of my Tastykake output. 50%! That's just tragic, and you know how Arizona gets when she's upset." Pennsylvania stared at the floor. "Even the Netherlands didn't know who I was."

"Wait…." America frowned. "You kids are the only provinces going through this?"

England frowned even deeper. "Everyone else's are doing reasonably. Why are yours finally showing up now? You never bothered introducing them to us; even Japan grudgingly introduced us to all of his prefectures. Are you sure you and your states are mentally sound?"

"This has gotta be a mistake," America muttered. "But it's okay, 'cause the Hero will save the day!" The other nations shot him an I-really-think-he's-gone-completely-nuts look, and America sighed. What was going on, and why didn't any of them remember his weird half-kids? It wasn't a major world-safety-threatening problem, but it was still extremely unsettling, making him uncomfortably worried.

"Can't believe yinz don't remember us," Pennsylvania muttered. "It's too quiet in the house now, America. Feels like the first day of hunting season, it really does. Even New Mexico is too busy moping to do anything but drink my Yuengling lager and eat scrapple. And you remember how much he hates anything PA."

America clapped a hand on his shoulder and turned towards the confused nations again. "Then it's decided! I'll get all fifty of you guys acquainted with the nations, and then maybe we can figure out the cause behind this mess in the first place!"

"Holy mother-of-the-Westernized-man-in-the-sky," Japan murmured into Greece's ear. "America came up with a decent idea." The rest of the nations seemed to be in similar shock, eyes wide and mouths agape, and America cocked his head confusedly.

"What?"

England grudgingly rolled his eyes and pulled off his argyle socks. He really wasn't wearing anything now as he tossed them on the floor, snapping his fingers and hoisting himself back onto the table. "I guess he can't really read the atmosphere after all. Suit yourself, you American gits or states or whatever, go and make friends….I'm going to go drunkenly do stupid things and watch all of our economies fail."

The other nations cheered wildly, and in literally fifteen seconds, max, the room had returned to its former chaos. Japan now sported a pair of cat ears and didn't have a shirt on, while Spain was dazedly pelting Romano with empty cans of V-8. Germany looked like he was having a major existential crisis as he banged his head against the table England was grinding on. All in all, the personifications were having a hell of a time while completely forgetting the purpose of America's decent idea; to familiarize them with the states.

The world power sighed, turning to his relatively calm state apologetically. "Sorry about them. I know you're not too big of a fan of alcohol-induced _crazy_ , unless it's from lager. But I also know for a fact that this plan will work, and you'll have your Tastykakes from Sheetz back in no time! The Hero will make it happen!"

"From _Wawa_ ," Pennsylvania corrected. "You always forget how I'm Team Pittsburg, America. Philadelphians are the ones who shop at Sheetz and say 'youse' instead of 'yinz', mind you. I'm not like Delaware, with his weird Dissociative Identity Disorder issues. I actually take after the better piece of the state."

America grinned. "Okay, okay, no need to be so huffy. Who knew you were so particular over convenience stores?"

"The Netherlands," he muttered.

"I think he's hanging with Belgium right now, Pennsy," America frowned, "but this weird memory lapse shouldn't last forever. You know that, right? I'd do anything to help you guys out. We'll get to the bottom of this, I swear."

Pennsylvania half-smiled. "Yeah, I guess."

"After all, you have towns named Intercourse and Blue Ball. That's pretty memorable."

The state just glared at him. "Amish people."

They sat there in easy silence, watching certain nations (ahem, Switzerland, ahem) make total idiots of themselves as they attempted to avoid the lechery and blatant drug use that blanketed the room like an R-18 Korean drama (which may or may not have originated in Korea). Kudos to him for trying, America supposed. He was pretty sure he was kind of high from Canada and Prussia's secondhand weed smoke, and that was when he was sitting in the sidelines. America couldn't imagine a fully sober experience in the middle of it all.

Pennsylvania looked a little relieved that the nations were all distracted now, though he still constantly checked his phone, claiming that he was nervous about the wellbeing of the other states.

America sighed, wondering why his states were sudden strangers in the eyes of his peers. He just wished everything could get back to the way it used to be; back to a time when the nations _didn't_ get hammered on a weekly basis, back to a time when his states were still so young and tiny, back to a time when they could all get along. In fact, as of late, inter-state spats and fights had hit a record high. Dammit, America thought, was it really so hard for his kids to get along?

Apparently, if the increasing disunity in his country meant anything. His once-little kids were now almost-fully-grown adults, only distancing each other after each passing day.

Maybe that was the reason. Was it possible for the states to drift so far apart that they weren't acknowledged in the eyes of the world? At first, it didn't make a lick of sense, but the more Alfred thought about it the clearer the picture got.

Following that logic, the next horrifying thought hit him. God, what if they were all turning into Puerto Ricos? Since the island province was so distanced from the rest of the states, he was like an American Canada to the nations. No one ever remembered him or knew who he was; in essence, he was treated as an insignificant micronation, a thought that made America cringe. Okay, so comparing little RiRi to the uptight brat by the name of Sealand wasn't exactly the best analogy, but it worked well enough that he could let it slide. Concisely, if the states drifted too far, they would end up like him.

As America opened his mouth to suggest the States=Puerto Rico theory, Pennsylvania suddenly choked and gasped simultaneously, his normally stern nature caving in, and all thoughts of disunity immediately left America's mind.

"Holy _fuck_ , America, I have to dash right now. Oh my god…."

America felt panic rise into his throat. "Pennsy, what's going on?"

Pennsylvania's eyes were wide. "California…..has purchased the other 50% of my Tastykake output." Bright tears glistened on his cheeks. "I can feel the empty stomachs of Pennsylvanians, America. It _hurts_."

"Oh my god…." America sighed, either exasperatedly or exhaustedly. It was difficult to tell. "I know exactly how you feel. Each time a Mickey D's is closed up somewhere in the country…. Oh, man, the pain. It's like that weird stuff in Peter Pan when a fairy dies if you say they aren't real, but the fairies are my heart and my heart is American consumerism." He suddenly slapped at his thigh, wincing in pain. "Dammit, speak of the devil! Why humans feel the compulsive urge to destroy majestic multinational megacorporations, I'll never understand."

Pennsylvania grimaced as he stumbled towards the door. "Oh, _God_ , another one of those damn Arizonans just mowed through a box of Kandy Kakes. Christ. Sorry to cut this short, America, but I can't help you out right now. Besides, I'm not sure introductions to fifty strangers would stick in their memories for too long. They're all drunk off their- fuck, another state is buying more Tastykake boxes!" With that, Pennsylvania slammed through the double doors, not attracting any attention from the countries.

America sighed. What was he going to tell Pennsy again? It had something to do with his American ingenuity and RiRi….

It probably wasn't something super vital anyways. Besides, as Pennsylvania had said, the others were too piss-drunk to handle anything other than another shot of cheap liquor. America sighed. He needed to start the investigation into the memory lapses around his states as soon as possible, especially since some of them could have information as to why exactly stuff was the way it currently was. Besides, he was their hero, the person who raised them into the personifications they were today, and America knew there wasn't anything he wouldn't do for them.

Then again, unfortunately, he wasn't the greatest when it came to getting coherent answers out of drunk people. Fortunately, he knew exactly the person to call.

…..Wait a second; he was a hero. More specifically, The Hero. Relying on the people he was supposed to save wasn't on the agenda. He'd be a pretty crap superhero if he specifically picked out civilians as sidekicks.

But America was impatient and needed to get the investigation going while all the nations were still in one room, so he sighed and grabbed his phone. It wasn't all bad; they hadn't hung out in forever and she had always been busy before. It would be a welcome change after Delly and PA's unexpected visits too.

As he expected, she picked up after seven rings.

"America? Is that you?"

"Jersey! What up, sister?"


End file.
